Welcome to The Mindless Void. This is where I try to post the twisted and moderately humorous stories that populate my mind. If you think you have something more humorous than what I have on here...bring it. ::It's already been broughten...::
Who am I? In short; college grad in corporate America who needs an outlet for his sarcism. I'm a sports fan and have too many drinking stories that involve me. I like to hike, play golf and hang out with my friends. Exciting huh? Well, on to the stoires.
If you want to read more than just stories. For example, me rambling on how I hate double parkers (you know who you are...). Then go to my other site; The Usual Suspect
. It's wicked awesome...
An Inportant Lesson on the Internet
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
The March Almost Didn't Go On
ANTARTICA (TMV) - One of the years surprising films documents the journey penguins make each year to find their mate and reproduce. March of the Penguins
provides a compelling look into the lives of a penguin. However, the movie that has compelled audiences almost did not come to pass.
As filming began, the crew had a difficult time getting the penguins to perform naturally. They were keenly aware of the crew's presence and often appeared to be acting for the cameras. Despite several attempts to blend into the background, the crew found themselves dumbfounded as to how to convince the penguins they were not there.
"We had tried everything from burying ourselves in a pile of snow to hiding behind a fake green bush," stated Associate Junior Producer-Intern Mike Harrison. "We tried everything and nothing worked. But Luc (Jacque) had a brilliant idea."
With the penguins failing to fall for any of the tricks the crew had set for them; none of them worked. However, when you can't beat em', join em'.
"We decided the only way we would be able to have the penguins act genuine was to convince them we were penguins," Director Luc Jacque stated.
The idea was far fetched and the crew's window to capture footage prior to the march was decreasing at an alarming rate. The crew called in one of the worlds leading penguin suit designers, Katarina Fontaine.
| The crew dressed up as a penguin to infiltrate the Emperor Penguin's infamous march|
"I will never forget the phone call from Mike (Harrison)," Fontaine stated. "He was frantically asking for help. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't make penguin suits, but designed tuxedos. He sounded so pathetic, I felt like I had to help him."
With nothing more than a dream and a penguin suit design that she found off of Google, Fontaine sewed with purpose like no other. Over the next 48 hours, what was a pile of fabric turned into what would in the end save a movie that was already desperately close to missing its filming window.
"With our camera crew in the penguin suits, we were able to film much closer without the penguins acting differently," stated Filming Editor Jason Rodriguez. "Unfortunately, the penguins became extremely attached to one of our camera men."
As filming wrapped up, Ben Duncan, Senior Film Coordinator dressed in the penguin suit and interacted with the stars of the show. Duncan was so convincing as a penguin that his mate refused to allow him to leave their home.
Despite several attempts to rescue Duncan, the film crew came to accept his fate as a part of the Emperor's Penguin family and made the journey back to the United States. Another rescue effort is being planned in three months when the Emperor Penguins begin their march again. The crew prays that he will still be alive when they return.
"The last we heard from him is that his baby penguin is doing quite well and he is very cold," stated Rodriguez whom spoke to Duncan shortly before our story went to press.
Posted at 01:39 am by jazzman6913
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Wyoming and South Dakota Seek to Boost Tourism
LARAMIE, Wyoming (TMV) - The down of Laramie and even the state of Wyoming has long had the image of a desolate waste land. Aside of Yellowstone, the state would be nothing more than a large nuclear depository.
| One of the more successful advertisements from the Wyoming Department of Tourism|
Even the Untied States has tried to sell off the state along with North and South Dakota to Canada in exchange for partial ownership of the Roots franchise shortly before the 2002 Winter Olympics. However, the request met with great laughter and distain for America's arrogance.
"How could we give up one of the most prominent aspects of Canadian life for the bad part of Wyoming and North/South Dakota?" Stated John Star, Provincial Governor of Manitoba, "If they would have offered Idaho and a Baldwin brother, we might have considered."
Due to the negative perception of a few of the northern states, both South Dakota and Wyoming teamed up to revive their image. The new campaign does not highlight what the states do have to offer; rather what they don't have to offer.
Many of the local citizens are thrilled beyond belief for the upcoming campaign. According to
| South Dakota is also apart of the campaign to draw more interest in some of the "forgotten" states|
Wyoming state documents, tourism is already taking a shot in the arm as well as the growth of the state. For the first time in nearly three decades, Laramie reported record growth in residency. Also, marked the first time the growth of humans was higher than livestock.
The new advertisements were unveiled at a press conference of about three people. "We are ecstatic about the excitement and support we have received for the upcoming campaign," stated Wyoming Governor Chris Wakefield. "There are more people at this press conference than we every planned for."
The initial response to the campaign has drawn more interest in both states. According to the White House, the push to sell both the Dakota's and Wyoming has since ceased due to the positive reaction to the campaign.
Additional Ads from the Collation for Wyoming/South Dakota Tourism:
| Wyoming Ad #2. You have two options in Wyoming; getting down or drunk...or both|
| South Dakota Advertisement #2. This ad highlights one of the more eventful days in the history of South Dakota. Since the Baldwin's visit; they hold the Annual Baldwin days on the anniversary of the occasion.|
Posted at 01:55 am by jazzman6913
Monday, September 12, 2005
Letters that need to be delivered...
Dear Michael Bolton,
I wnated to let you know that I am your biggest fan. Yet, I don't find you talented. I wanted to let you know that you have robbed millions of people of their will to live and they would appreciate it if you moved to Japan or Germany. Both are countries who appreciate no talent ass clowns such as yourself. I would rank you in my top ten of people who should have been systematically eliminated by nature.
But for some reason you have defied the odds and have made millions on this oversight. I know that this isn't your fault; rather it is due to cuts to certain parts of the defense budget which has caused this oversight to occur. According to Federal documents; you should have been "mysteriously" hit by a truck, rhino or Yugo in 1994 as a way of correcting this error. So, why don't we let bygones be bygones and just move to one of the prior mentioned countries.
No one wants to listen to your new album, Vintage.
Nor do they want to hear you sing When a Man Loves a Woman
again. For god sake, I'm the president of the I Heart Michael Bolton fan club and we are all collectively telling you to hang em' up and move away. America doesn't love you any more and in fact, they never did.
President of I Heart Michael Bolton Fan Club
Dear Govenors of South & North Dakota,
In my research, I have found the reason for having both a North and South Dakota completley bogus. Why in the hell do you need a north and south? Was there so much greatness in "Dakota" to have to break it into two? I think the conversation to make two states went something like this...
November 1st, 1889
"Damn, I think we need to break this territory into two states." - State Leader #1
"Why in hell would we do that?" - State Leader #2
"Because there is SOOO
much greatness in this terrirtory that we can't contain it in one state. It just isn't fair." - State Leader #1
"Are you high? There isn't shit in this place..." - State Leader #2
State Leader #1 immediately killed the second State Leader and North and South Dakota was brought into the Union. I mean, really; can you name three reasons why we should have two Dakotas?
Why not just make it Dakota and finally let Puerto Rico into the Union. Why do we have to leave Puerto Rico out? The only reason Puerto Rico isn't a state already is because America is too lazy to go out and buy all new flags.
But, I am asking that you consolidate your below average state's from the current statusto just Dakota. Having two Dakota's is like having a North and South Utah. Yeah, you can make a case for it; but it is a crappy case at best. I mean, what is there in North Dakota? South at least has Mt. Rushmore. The North has nothing.
So for your sake, for your daughters sake, consolidate to one Dakota; It's the Right Thing to Do.
Concerned from Utah
Posted at 12:07 am by jazzman6913
Saturday, July 30, 2005
It's a Dogs Life for one Realtor...
SALT LAKE CITY (TMV) - As Utah enjoys one of the largest housing booms in its history, the number of realtors has grown exponentially. Literally, everyone and their dog is a realtor now. Ian, a golden retriever, became the first canine to successfully pass all of the necessary classes and exams to become a realtor.
Ian has been working for the past three years to pass the exam and did so in flying colors. According to Brian, the most challenging part of the experience was the oral exam. He used Brian, the dog from Family Guy, as his motivation.
With a very limited understanding of the English language; Ian struggled through the first portions of his classes. As he became more proficient with his English, the program came easier to the canine.
"I didn't think I was going to be able to get through it at first," stated Ian. "However, I was watching Family Guy one day and the dog talks. I thought if he can do it....so can I."
With the exams and classes behind him; Ian plans to start his own realtor company. Using federal government grants which are meant to assist canines in starting their own realtor company, Ian was able to finally afford the classes to become a realtor.
However, Ian didn't always aspire to become a realtor. But watching his family work with their last realtor motivated him to give it a try. The Johnson's realtor fit nearly every negative stereotype which is attached to realtors.
"I kid you not, this realtor showed us a home with a train running behind it," Ian recalled. "When the Johnson's asked the owner if the train was bad, she had this look of "oh it's bad". She told us she had learned to ignore it. The realtor jumped in and said it makes the place cozy. We clearly could see the smoke coming out of her ass by that point."
With the drive to make a difference for families looking to start life in a new home, Ian set forth and has since started his real estate company; Golden Retriever Real Estate.
"Starting is always the hard part," stated Ian. "But I know in time I'll earn families trust and start to make a difference...if people can get over buying a house from a dog."
Posted at 12:25 am by jazzman6913
Friday, May 20, 2005
Music Industry Unveils New Piracy-Proof Format: A Black, Plastic Disc With Grooves On It
More and more, stories are flooding the evening news about digital music pirating, lawsuits against consumers and technology company's struggling to keep ahead of the ever-changing technology curve. Recording Industry Association of America claims billions in revenue are being lost to digital pirates and that the only answer is lawsuits and more lawsuits; until now.
The Hooters Institute of Titology/Digitial Piracy Division (HITDPD) recently unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that they hope will help win the war against the growing population of digital pirates and the illegal file sharing which allegedly is costing the industry billions in lost revenue.
Nicknamed the 'Record', the new format takes the form of a black, vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially designed 'turntable'.
| Despite attemps by dozens of the worlds top hackers; the 'Record' could not be ripped by any current technology. |
"We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett Hiller. "We are also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has ever seen."
As part of the invention's rigorous testing process, the designers gave some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use file swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and who admit to pirating music CDs and downloading porn. Despite six days and seven hours of sleep trying to crack the 'Record', none of them were able to hack into the disc's code or access any of the music files contained within it.
"It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug Flutie, one of the testers. "I couldn't get it into any of my drives. I mean, what format is it? Is it, like, from France or something? Maybe it's from Star Wars or the future."
In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is encoded by physically etching grooves
onto the vinyl disc. The sound is thus translated into variations on the disc's surface in a process that industry insiders are describing as 'completely revolutionary' and 'stunningly clever.'
| The message to digital pirates is loud and clear: Get a new wardrobe and good luck on stealing music|
To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a special player which contains a 'needle' that runs along the grooves on the record surface, reading the indentations and transforming the movements back into audio that can be fed through loudspeakers.
Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the new format will make file swapping much more difficult. "I've never seen anything like this," he told reporters. "How does it work?"
As rumors that a Taiwanese company has been secretly developing a 12 inch wide, turntable-driven, needle-based, firewire drive remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last, have found the pirate-proof format it has long been searching for.
SCIENTISTS ATTEMT TO CRACK ONE OF TIMES MOST PUZZELING QUESTIONS
INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana (TMV) - It is a question that has long since puzzled mankind since popcorn was invented in the late 1940s. Why do some popcorn kernels pop and others sit there waiting to take a stab at cracking one of your molars?
A group of the worlds top scientists, many the top in their respective fields, came together to finally know why nearly 15-25 percent of each popcorn back doesn't pop. Its long been known that popcorn kernels must have a precise moisture level in their starchy center -- about 15 percent -- to explode. But Purdue University researchers found the key to a kernel's explosive success lies in the composition of its hull.
The hull plays a crucial part of keeping the moisture locked inside and keeping that vital balance that will eventually produce a white pillowing sensation that when combined with butter and sodium; becomes a tasty-heart attack inducing treat.
"They're sort of like little pressure vessels that explode when the pressure reaches a certain point," said Bruce Hamm, a Purdue professor of food chemistry. "But if too much moisture escapes, it loses its ability to pop and just sits there."
The research will prove to be valuable to Orville Redenbacher, one of the research programs donators, as Redenbacher is looking for a 'Super Kernal' popcorn which guarantees that 95-97 percent of the kernels will pop or you can kick Mr. Redenbacher in the groin.
The issue of super popcorn goes well beyond the movie theaters or Orville Redenbacher, but the government also has an invested interest in assuring that the White House has perfectly calibrated popcorn that has the absolute minimum amount of un-popped kernels at the bottom.
Thanks to these brave scientists, we now know the answers behind the kernel mystery. But improving the kernel to guarantee less unpopped kernels will be an expensive venture. Currently the Hooters Institute of Titology is the institution heading up 'Operation: Popped Kernal' and has $2.5 billion committed from the government and $400 million from Orville Redenbacher.
According to a statement by the White House, the money for 'Operation: Popped Kernel' will come from Department of Education and Department of Defense's budgets.
"Unpopped kernels are a bitch and they hurt," stated an Igor Isringhausen from HIT's Kernel Testing Division. "We're America, we're better than this. We put a man on the moon damnit!!! We can have popcorn that completely pops."
Scientists Solve Unpopped Popcorn; CNN
Posted at 08:03 pm by jazzman6913